Tuesday, October 13, 2009
after rushing around from job to job, ushering the kids in the car and back out of the car, eating on the go or not at all and generally abandoning all other areas of my life other than work and general daily care of myself and kids, i broke today. i rushed off in the morning after a late wake up. barely fed nahum and zev. rushed into m's house to pick him up. yelled at nahum in the car because we needed quiet time (he had just gotten out of the car-45 minutes to an hour each day) so that m and zevy could fall asleep. we played at our friend's house and then rushed out (late again) to drop m off and then speed home (return trip of 45 mins or so) so that i could have about an hour and a half until rick got home and i left again for the trip back into bar harbor. at home i realized some money was missing from my wallet (and no i didn't spend it) and that just put me into a frenzy. the money was earmarked for a bill that we don't normally have...but i didn't have time enough to process it since i was busy getting ready for work, straightening the house and pretending to play with nahum. finally, while i was in the bathroom brushing my hair i heard zevy start to cry the horrible cry, like he really got hurt and i raced into the bedroom and asked nahum what happened. he said that he was hitting zev in the hands with a wooden hammer. i lost it. i screamed. i grabbed zev and left nahum crying in the room. i was so angry. i have never yelled like that at nahum before. i yelled at zev today for trying to roll over while i was changing his diaper. i felt like shit. i still do. i had an okay night at work other than being quite punchy until the end when counting my money and realized that i was shorted quite a bit. we figured it out and all's well that ends well but it broke me. i got into my car and started the 45 minute drive home again, and just started crying. crying that i have to care at all about money. crying that no matter how hard we work we can't break even. crying for how horrible i treated both kids today. crying for rushing them all over just to make money.... i am done. i am feeling broken right now. but tomorrow is a new day so i am logging out while still on the 13th in hopes that the 14th has a bit of sunshine in it.